Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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