did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
