And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
