Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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