College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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