First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
