dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
