One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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