I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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