I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
