well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
