i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
