She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
