friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
