have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just found puke in my bra..
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
