I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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