the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
