he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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