He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
