hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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