obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
