in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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