Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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