I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
