Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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