Please, let me fuck your mom
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
