Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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