If that was your dad, he is hot
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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