Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
