I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
