i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
