Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
