When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
