my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
