literally had 100 drinks last night.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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