I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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