dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
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When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
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We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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