i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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