What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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