I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
