I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
