hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
