It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
