Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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