Is it normal to miss your booty call?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
