My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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