you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
