Just fell off a train. Bad.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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