TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
