my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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