How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
