Cold hands, warm shart.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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