I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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