Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
