Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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