Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
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I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
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Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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