you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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