and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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