They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
